I'm not posting anymore. No point.

I'm not posting anymore. No point. Barely anything worth living for, I wish I could just take this page down and crawl into a fucking hole & die

Money issues consume me more than anyone knows or cares, depression consumes me even more, my life is a series of downs. I try to be hopeful, but the more I go on, the more it seems like there's no point. 

I wish I had anyone at all that cared. someone, I honestly don't care who.

Someone literally told me this today.

It's the story of my life. 

Well I'm tired of this literal daily feeling. Yearly theme. 

I'm sorry 

I'm so fucking depressed

I'm not strong.

I don't know how much longer I can do this. I'm sorry

 

😩 Progress (Updated)

f

   

Heart Shattered, Mind Blown... My ex of 8 years got 9/10 of these. 

(He gave me TONS of compliments...  )

Apparently that was just manipulation. 

He LITERALLY never even loved me... He THOUGHT he did... I THOUGHT he did, but literally he just used me for 8 years. 😭😓

Then when I stopped letting him use me, he acted like I was a traitor, BETRAYING him, then found a new woman to do the same thing to. 

He can't even take care of himself and he found a new person to leach onto... SMH 🙄

He spent all his time in his Man Cave, no time with me, or if he did it was out of obligation... Expected me to bring him his meals. Holidays didn't happen with us, unless his family Invited us and we had to go there empty handed cuz his inability to find work and my Income gone to rent. 

All I wanted was a Partner who put in EFFORT. IF I NEED Help with Bills, and never get that, but get yelled at that I'm Insensitive and not understanding of a lazy narcissist who just wanted a place to live and be alone (man cave 24/7, though he has 2 man caves, and his girlfriend house...), and cook his meals. 

Omg the Tantrums & Lectures 🙄

And a few days ago he treated me like a child belittling me the store when he didn't like the bottled water I was buying. Lecture & snotty attitude & dirty looks for water He didn't like ... Poor cashier looked like she needed to call the cops.

Watch this video on narcissists Controlling people's diet... 

Yeah

He projects his faults on me, can't own up to anything, calls ME a narcissist... (I'm definitely guilty of things before I researched narcissm, but he's Textbook, yet QUICK to find any fault I may have so he isn't responsible. 

(Just like letting him use me and live rent free while serving him food, pleasing him whether I wanted to or not, but my unhappiness wasn't enough for valitidy in breaking up with him, I in turn BETRAYED him for not letting him go a ninth year without work and no income. I betrayed HIM cuz he spent 9 years depressed denying therapy, and accusing me of being insensitive.

(He also said my blog was a waste of time... That made me I lose drive to work on my blogs for a while (same thing Brian Laundrie did to Gabby, said her blogs were a waste... He had issues with bottled water too... W&t ability to manipulate anyone into believing anything he said...  I would hope he wants to work on these things too. He's got a Serious Anger issue... Short fuse (quarter or a millimeter)  

Then after a couple years I kinda burst back in but directed on myself and what I was going through instead of my business, I had no one listening to me on a personal level, especially my ex, so I just posted here... soon I'll get back to more business or make a new business page )

PS I CAN'T WAIT to find work 😉 

First 2 apps got me calls. About to put in a few More. 

Oh... when he said he wanted to be allies, STILL be friends. 🙄🙄

(Note to the Ex:)

BUT INSTEAD of seeking Therapy, and going to A Temp Agency... (They hire on the spot, so no excuse for 8 years of unemployment makes up for that) and Making yourself better, you hop into some other poor broken women's bed to break HER down into your little puppet. 

Replacing the woman won't work. FIXING YOURSELF will. It's called Growth. But you've been hopping into beds since your ex wife and it just never ended. Literally how much time between girlfriends did YOU have? (The last couple I'm also guilty of, which is why I noticed patterns like this when looking into this topic. I was repeating behaviors my exes used on me. My first love married the next girl he dated and then tried to date me after their nasty divorce. I spent 6 years healing, had dealt with my second bitter breakup and rekindled with that first love. BIG mistake. After he left me the second time, married THAT  next girl too, it sent me into a whole needing to just be with someone instead of healing AGAIN from him. So the next couple bfs didn't have MUCH space between, maybe a few months to a year, one I moved on within weeks when they wouldn't leave my home... he finally believed me when I started dating someone else. I started feeling that to be heard or taken seriously, I needed a NEW relationship to move on. Otherwise they'd come back a (hoover)me again. 

Jump to TODAY when my ex  FROM THE PAST LIVES my mom and I can't even think of visiting her without running into him... AND SHE DOESNT return my calls. The ULTIMATE Ex Hoover Manipulation.  

She can love him all she wants, but it's not the way to get back into my life. I don't date Exes, especially ones I've dated multiple times already... He can Bite Me too.

I won't Make you so Anything, but If I ask and you stomp your feet and throw a tantrum cuz you don't WANNA, why the hell should I "oh poor baby" you? 

GROW up 

I want a man who knows what hard work is, knows what struggle is and can work their way out OF IT. Someone who wants to have a TEAM, NOT A MOM.  

HIS MOM still helps him with EVERYTHING... ENABLING HIM. I love her dearly, she's the main reason he and I survived, I do owe her a lot, HOWEVER, SHE RECENTLY pointed her finger at me as If I didn't feel sorry for him enough and didn't give him enough chances or something. 

MOST WOMEN would leave someone after 10 months of this. I lasted 8 years. The years went on and on and made ME more depressed. It was my fault for being a doormat soo long, but not my responsibility for him not finding work and stepping up. I GAVE HIM YEARS of support, found him potential employers, was a name for his references, and he never went to a temp agency even though he knows they hire on the spot... He didn't want quick work he wanted excuses to not have work.

 I just refused to be a second mother/enabler for any longer and he didn't like it (his mother especially, cuz now she is helping him even More, and helps me cuz he never was able to help me, and I'm stuck til I find more income.

I will find work though, super quick because I actually WANT work & WANT to succeed. 

SORRY, Not Sorry. 

I spend years alone, with only my blog to talk to, so this is me working through my experiences.... 

This is NOT me "living in the past" this is me Learning From my past, and expressing it. Speaking MY truth & growing, (AND EVEN hoping for some sort of validation after years of being ignored) it isn't living in the past it's preparing for better future relationships. 

Living in the past would be marrying someone who is the cause of all your pain cuz it's convenient. That's living in the past. 

Some MARRY their abusive past without even realize it taints their future, I'm just moving on before I got to that point. Marriage doesn't fix problems, it HIGHLIGHTS them. Thank GOD I never married him. That's Just more of a financial nightmare and possibly YEARS of torment avoided... 🙏  

Belittling ABUSIVE Ex Bf can FUCKING BITE ME

Oh, and Dan, YES YOU, PATHETIC LEECH, stay the F OFF MY BLOG. YOU HAVE A NEW GIRLFRIEND, you don't need to be On MY blog. You HAVEN'T LEFT MY HOME, BUT CAN'T STOP CHECKING IN ON ME, GETTING FUCKING JEALOUS OVER MY BEING SINGLE. Having someone maybe like me OMG oh No... 🙄

Go back to your new delusional supply, while you have her in your future faking mode. 

 Me having ANY eyes on me, I'm Not yours jerk. Stay off my page. 

This video is word for WORD about my ex.

Down to the financial abuse, lack of empathy, and stonewalling and blame shifting.

 

 I FEEL SO SORRY FOR HER, you sit here on my blog, mad that I dropped your financially verbally abusive ass, I saying I'm the loony tunes, crazy bitch, idiot, moron, stupid ... How many things did you call me in the last 2 days? How many? 

 SHES GONNA REALIZE SHE WAS TRAPPED IN YOUR LOVEBOMBING TO SEE THE LAZY Mooch ON THE SURFACE. I'd he has money, he probably got it from family. LOVE GOGGLES SUCK. OH WELL, HER PROBLEM NOW. SORRY GIRL. ILL PRAY FOR YOUR DIGNITY AND SANITY, HES GOOD AT BELITTLING AND GASLIGHTING AND STONEWALLING. HES FANTASTIC AT PROJECTION TOO. IF you could make money by being like that, he'd be a millionaire... Wait plenty of millionaires are like that, he just doesn't have DRIVE. HE WANTS to mooch, he wants his mommy to pay his bills and his child support while he sits on his ass playing twiddledinks with his talents (meaning wasting his talents instead of using them)

He will promise to get his resume ready, then nothing will come of it. Iron the same clothes literally month after month, having not worn them yet. I been cutting his hair, shaving his back month after month for this Job App, this is now 8 years, times 12 months each, of waiting on him to get work. (h ohhh he's 2 jobs jobs with maybe 3 months each... 6 months of employment and he barely helped with bills when he did, he bought music equipment and yelled at me for mentioning bills, it's His Money, hell do what he wants with it 2 months later unemployed and not helping with bills again, 

She's gonna have years of haircuts before he actually applies himself.  He doesn't WANT to. He wants to mooch off his family and do nothing. I want him out of my home before I find work (I got 2 interviews right after I put in 2 applications, he applies at 2 in 2 years and didn't get an interview.  

So, honey, you better make money, cuz he may as well be your sugar baby.

Get OUT if you have your dignity, or send him to THERAPY AT LEAST ... DON'T LET HIM BELITTLE YOU MON...

And DAN, BE ANGRY ALL YOU WANT. YOU DIDN'T WANT TO HEAR IT IN MY HOME SO Hear it out loud on my PERSONAL JOURNAL BLOG ONLINE. GET OUT OF MY PLACE, QUICKER. A YEAR IS LONG ENOUGH FOR ME... I'M OVER IT, AND YOU AND YOUR FACE. And your ABUSE. AND YOUR MOMS FINGER IN MY FACE. 

And um, when I stopped going 👇... I did that k after stopped enjoying you as a bf. I need a man that wants to take care of me, not one I need to baby and he doesn't have to do shit. So yeah I went a couple years not enjoying literally ANYTHING about you. I loved you, of course, but you using me, you didn't care about making Me   HAPPY, YOU just wanted to make YOU happy. Literally. Your not being a MAN WHO TAKES care of his woman, that woman sure af not gonna take care of that... Unless she's a doormat...   But go ahead and act like my staying with you an extra 3 years and letting you leech off me, eat my cooking, and abuse me repeatedly, yeah, sure act like I "stabbed you in the back"

Delusional Head case.

Abuse a dog for years, then get mad when the dog bites you, YOU'RE the problem. Not the dog. Oh yeah, you don't like "dogs" at least the year of them, and even thought you love our cats, they're terrified of your energy. Literally petrified.  Especially Kremlin. You say " if I find out who did this to Kremlin to make him this skittish" but you don't get that it's mostly YOU dude. Sorry. Learn how to treat animals, cats. Watch Jackson Galaxy. Cesar Millan

Not like you'll do anything that will make you grow and become a better person. Just find a new woman who will let you be the same jerk you've been for years.

You need at least 2 years of being single and working and paying bills before you're even READY for a new relationship, but you jumped into bed with her cuz, like Narcissists, they can't go without a relationship. Since I wouldn't feed your narcissism, you found a new supply. That's what it's called.

Oh, and you need a get anger management classes, because you go from 0-1000 red-faced blackout angry over the tiniest stuff. Especially when someone calls you on your abuse, then you start SCREAMING LIKE AN INFANT. 

God forbid you learn your issues and work on them...

You love to tell me how TRAUMATIC her life has Been, don't make her life more traumatic.

Have fun with your new apparently, according to you, more "broken" supply 

Down

 In June, if certain things transpire, most the content on my blog that aren't Posh/art/my brand related will be taken down (yes,  the unimportant ones that get the most views... YOUR FAVORITE ONES) ANYTHING not my brand will be gone. 

Hell, I might even just take down my entire blog & create a new one that YOU CAN'T FIND. Have fun with your OBSESSION once my blog and social media are gone. 

Any EXES (Yeah, plural, I know you're there will be cut off permanently, for good, too. )

WOWY

 Please don't be afraid to talk to me.  

Right now I don't CARE what you did or didn't do. Too much time has been wasted. 

I just want to talk to you. 🙏

You KNOW ME. 

I STILL DON'T know you. 

That I know I'm talking to at least.

And I didn't LIE.

back when this all started for ME, I LITERALLY didn't know anything. It all kinda crept up and I started seeing everything for what it TRULY was. In the mean time as time progressed, I had no expectations, I knew what I wanted but didn't expect it, I learned to stop expecting what I wanted long ago. Why? When you expect the world takes a dump on your plans, and wastes your time. But you had bailed, anyway. The more I tried to help the more you PUSHED me away and treated me like I was your enemy or something.

Then you blamed me for not saying anything til I Exploded on a few people, who most likely don't believe me and I honestly don't care. Possibly, most likely, a few of the wrong people.  I just need my BEST FRIEND dammit. Where are you? Just spying on me...

 😩🙏💖🤓💔

USE YOUR WORDS

( PS this is NOT For any EX of Mine)

Oh and she's never gonna be the one who stands up for you. You can't put someone

 else's qualities in the girl you choose.

 Can't make her who you want, this isn't Dollhouse, she isn't Eliza Dushku... 

 But if that's gonna be the case... I've been Single for over a year. I'm about ready to find a connection. I want a valentine, at LEAST a card. Not sure where to start, but I don't date for sport, I date for life. I'm about ready for 

someone to build my empire with. 

A King Of My Heart. One who makes time for me.

As You Wish

 I like the names Buttercup & Westley, but whatever

 (That's a double whammy with that other name 🧛‍♂️)

 😉