Tired 😩

 I'm done waiting for my life to begin. I'm just gonna wait til it's over.

I don't even have a legit best friend to talk to about my deep dark secrets anymore.

I'm NOT ok. At ALL. 

AT ALL 

IM TIRED OF WAITING FOR SOMEONE TO CARE ABOUT ME. TIRED OF being TIRED

I do all this on my own, but get harassed like I'm the problem. IM TIRED OF all the CLEANING, COOKING, BILLS THAT I CANT pay in entirety alone. I am just gonna just continue to be lazy for a break, since it's my only time off.  I'M tired OF WAITING FOR REAL LOVE and actual Devotion.

 I GET TO WATCH these FOOLS GOLD RELATIONSHIPS PUBLICLY LIE about how perfect they are.

 Some are real... But most people fake it and won't admit that they're dying INSIDE. I know one that keep going on like life is perfection... DON'T I...

  I'm tired of people telling me to feel BLESSED, TRY LIVING IN MY LIFE FOR A YEAR. I DARE YOU. I FUCKING dare You...

BET YOU'LL BEG TO GET BACK TO YOUR OWN LIFE. 

I'M SO FUCKING TIRED. And I'm tired of FIGHTING WITH MY EX TO GET WORK AND HELP ME OR GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY HOME. HE GETS BOTH OF THE BEDROOMS TO HIMSELF. I SLEEP ON THE COUCH IN THE LIVING ROOM WITH BOXES OF MY STUFF I HAVE NO ROOM FOR. I PAY FOR STORAGE EVERY MONTH FOR A UNIT FULL OF DIRTY LAUNDRY THAT HASN'T SEEN A WASHER SINCE I WAS HOMELESS 6 or 7 years AGO... Why? Cuz rent and bills take it all... And he sits on his butt on his computer in his room (I'm in the living room and pay the rent , he's got a bedroom and an office but he takes the garbage out and drives me places but he gets most the house... What's wrong with this picture)  hes always typing up sound files that many would get PAID LOTS FOR... HE SPENDS ALL DAY FOR YEARS DOING THIS... BUT IF dare ask him for anything while ON HIS NUMBER TONES FOR A RIDE OR FOR HELP, I GET MY EAR TAKEN OFF THAT HE GETS "no time to himself.." He doesn't work for years and gets both bedrooms... But he he gets no time to himself..

And when I need something, he can just slam his door and call me a bitch and tell me to leave Him alone...

I'm sitting here typing this up, while on hold with the office that will get me fed . He's got food. He wasn't forgotten.. I tell him my data phone cant handle the call waiting can I used his? He tells me it's Columbus day, that they won't answer... So I'm like great, they told me to call Monday...

 Then he has the nerve to offer his phone but then yell at me cuz I said no, why so I can sit on it and not get an answer cuz he just said they're closed? But he's mad I AT ME CUZ HE offered something he knew I didn't need anymore ... I answered him with "NO I don't need that ANYMORE you just said they're CLOSED" WHEN he knows I've been agitated for a half hour already.

HE CALLED ME A BITCH AND SLAMMED HIS DOOR  AND SAID DONT TALK TO HIM THE REST OF THE DAY. I TOLD HIM TO GET THE FUCK OUT Of MY HOUSE THEN, HE CONTINUES TO CALL ME A BITCH...HE CALLS ME CRAZY BITCH AND SAYS LEAVE HIM ALONE BEFORE HE GIVES ME SOMETHING TO YELL ABOUT.

GASLIGHTING... 

I need this ASSHOLE OUT OF MY HOME AND LIFE... I'VE ASKED for outside help in the ways need. I need my home, this one, it's what I can afford, not a shelter. Don't Tell me to leave my home To sit on a cot with 50 other women.

 I need to work for myself, to get me out of this... Apparently I'm told to deal with him and get therapy, they'll tell me when I'm ready to work outside the home.

 FUCK YOU DUDE...They keep me trapped JOBLESS AND dependant ON OTHERS... I NEED TO BE FREE from this hell. I NEED TO GET OUT OF THIS MESS THEY WANT TO KEEP ME BURIED IN. I WANT to work, I NEED to work ...

At least I got some headway on the work situation... Retrograde keeps throwing shit at me too... His forms get processed, mine don't. Makes full sense. He doesn't need do anything so he gets everything. 

I'm tired of this. I want to wake up from this. 

PS...

Don't EVER treat me like a doormat. Don't act like my words mean nothing to you.if they don't, tell me... I'd rather not waste years on someone that doesn't respect me. Now I can't get rid of him legally or physically. 

... If you want me in your life, you gotta show me... I'm not gonna wait on love to step up, and I'm not gonna wait for people to grow up and decide what they want. We're Adults...  He's mad that I wouldn't let him mooch off me for the rest of my life. Mad that I defended myself. But I can't get away from him still and I feel SO FUCKING ALONE. DONT PEOPLE GET THIS?! PLEASE HELP ME? ANYONE?!

I need love, AND A PARTNER. NOT one or the other. I've had enough of LOVE with no partnership. I've been a childless mother for a selfish man far too long.  I'm a woman who wants LOVE AND TO BE TAKEN CARE OF, not a free babysitter WHO WANTS TO take care of an adult. 

HE GETS PRIVACY. I GET DIDDLY FUCKIN squat... I fill his tank, he holds my irritations against me and refuses to take me places I need to go IF he doesn't like my DEMEANOR WHEN I don't ask him correctly. He controls my life and I can't do this anymore...

I'm Not happy and I'm telling the world. 

If this hell doesn't end, and I have no support or a way out, I don't even care anymore. I feel like no one cares anyway... if they did they did they'd be here. Wouldn't they?

 If they cared I wouldn't have to be the first one to call or message... I'm literally the one that Always calls them every fucking time. If I'm not important enough to call, why the hell should I call you? For real. 

It's Like my paternal grandmother over again. She never ever called or wrote me, but when I called her or wrote her she ignored or pretended it didn't happen. Then refused to talk to me cuz my letters weren't enough. 

She once held the silent treatment on my dad for years cuz the birthday card he sent was a couple days late.  

I stopped sending hand written letters through the mail at this point... IoI stopped trusting HER, andy the mail. A hand written letter from me it means you're special af, or you show me the same kindness. 

IF I CALL FAMILY, IM ALWAYS THE FIRST TO CALL.. NO ONE EVER CALLS ME FIRST, LET ALONE BACK . NOT EVEN MY MOM. 

The ones I thought cared won't even be here for me. I watch you watching me. I see you do nothing. I know you're there. So... Where are you? 

I thought I had someone who cares but they just sit back and watch me burn while they are living their own life. I'd walk over hot coals for some of these people... But would they return it? 

I'm tired of burning... Where's the person with the fire extinguisher? I'm burning alive and it feels like it will never end.

Once in a BLUE MOON 🌚, I'D LIKE SOME COMFORT. SOME RELIEF. Apparently the universe doesn't care. I HAVE More examples how he doesn't do anything and still gets things. I don't have money for FOOD RIGHT NOW... IT'S BEEN 3 4 DAYS.

THE LAST BLUE MOON I ENCOUNTERED GAVE ME A GLIMPSE OF SOMETHING MORE. I thought it was a moment of clarity, of something better that was coming.

 BUT IT WAS JUST A MIRAGE, I GUESS... 

And now it's winter... I have metal in my ankle... And tiny ankle socks and leggings. I'm so cold and tired of this shit. 

I wish something better would come so I can FEEL blessed. 

You know... Reminding people they're blessed when you only know your position really doesn't comfort anyone. 

BUT... I KNOW WHAT I have coming to me in my life. (on Sony etc/ the whole settlement finally happens... Been waiting for years. December 8 2020 come and gone and we all still waiting. Come on Lawyers...

Those that wouldn't return a call WON'T have me when my life finally turns around. those who just sat and watched me...   Won't have me when my life turns around. 

I put energy Into those who actually want to stick around and be there for me, so I will be there for them. Some I give them my energy and get nothing back. This ends now. You want me in your life, give me a reason to give you my energy. If I love you, I do things to help, even to be there. If I love you, I used to give completely unconditionally, but guess what. When you love someone unconditionally, and they treat you like you're nothing, they're just not worth it anymore. 

Treat my like I'm SOMETHING Special, and I'll give you my everything, treat me like I owe you, I'll slam the door in your face.  You're not entitled to me taking care of you, unless your an infant/child. And I don't have one of those.